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What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you) / General Transgender Discussion / Transgender Forum

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#1 Jun 24, 2019 1:35:PM

Nelkael01
Member

What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

Hi, I feel like broken and probably I am. I don't know what to do. I was born different and knew it since earliest childhood. I imagined how nice it would be being a girl, about various magical transformations since I was capable to see or. I was otherwise normal boy. But more and more strong there was sexual side of me, more I felt ugly about body hairs or moustache and removed it as quickly as possible. Maybe there shall be some lethal pill administered to beings like me, which wouldn't allow me to go trought so much years of pain and strangness. About 17 yrs old I've visited a psychiatrist, because I was feeling verry verry strong anxiety. Not panic attacks, months of anxiety. I was not capable to point it towards one thing. If I was person outside of my life, I would be capable to see pattterns, actually many patterns of some worsening state.
I felt really ashamed by thought of transexuality itself, but on the other side I was sure I suffer with it or some kind of gender dysphoria, just was capable to cut the knowledge off from my conscious mind majority of time. I said to myself: Maybe when I will not enjoy whole life any sexuality, I will use all the amounts of the energy in a better way. I read about various people who had almost no or no sexual life from a person Jozef Karika whom I trusted then like post-modernist guru of chaos magick and online friend. Another friend N.R. was herself feeling some kind of dysphoria. I was able to show and then hide, she was able to show and then hide, it helped us both like eruptions of volcanoes. I started smoking in managing my anxiety and my psychiatrist was each time giving me higher and higher dosage of benzodiazepines, taught my doctor how he shall not be afraid to use them and also higher dosage of antidepressants. It was good, because this mix caused my sexuality to almost dissapear. I became a zombie. All was good, except of the addictive drugs in my bloodstream. I tried other psychiatrists, but all such people here, which I've visited, were same. They offered me bromazepam 12mg/day or 2mg of Alprazolam or Midazolam for everyday use and I thought it is madness and bordering with poisoning.

I have met with a ts girl who was a true drug addict. It scared me. And I tossed away all such benzodiazepines and antidepressants, which I haven't tossed away previously with previous psychiatrists. What was more scaring but on the other hand verry pleasant was how she opened my eyes towards my gender dysphoria. She was capable to read in me like in a book. She knew about me even the thing I was claiming it is not truth. I started to use female pronouns, name, profile and everything I could as quickly as possible.  I was trying to make some comming out, but my closest friends believed it is some kind of prank or joke. Laughted at me. And talking with parents was impossible from various reasons since the start. I became depressed. Tried various herbal teas for calming down… Again I wanted to live asexual life. I have imagined I'm a girl and trought this way I was capable to do it myself. Trought mysticism like yoga I repaired my psyche, I found a girl to myself, but in my western way of "yoga" I went trought what someone of you can call  "Mars" and this thing, this transsexuality, respectivelly, whole time it was my sexuality, reemerged. Active aspect of my sexuality is full of verry nasty things I wish to do with much more feminine body, I'm now more than ever before full of sexual thoughts and it is so ashaming, imagine myself as a nice girl spreading legs, really really much needing, wanting someone inside, needing, hopeing, otherwise my fantasies are not centered towards one gender, I would like to be a girl licking another girl....but the idea of having someone inside or something, even fingers of beautiful woman, is so attractive like nothing. It is true, sex never felt right to me….like if I had my genitals reverted...and my girl wanted me into a role in which I was not well suited. It is hard to describe. I'm sorry for bothering you, I will go to a corner and die there.

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#2 Jun 25, 2019 4:52:PM

AveryAnn
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

Ich verstehe schon.  Dysphoria is hard.  It does not seem to ever go away, it sometimes quiets down.  But sometimes it is almost overwhelming.  I've been looking for ways to make things easier.  My therapist has me working on self acceptance.  I am who I am, love that and accept rather than fight against it.  It is a process, but it seems to be helping a lot.

Hope you are feeling  better today.

-Avery Ann

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#3 Jun 25, 2019 8:18:PM

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing those difficulties. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of grief. That cannot be easy to endure.

I admit that I don't have any specific solution to your problems. However, I didn't see any mention in your message of whether or not you have been able to transition. If you haven't, I would recommend going to a therapist who has significant experience with gender transition. It seems like that would be a good first step for you.

Best wishes.

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#4 Jun 25, 2019 10:41:PM

Nelkael01
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

Heute ist es besser, Ich fühle mich wie Rocky von Rocky Horror Picture Show.....Vielleicht gibt es Hoffnung für mich…Ich hoffe so sehr.Past years I've spent fighting and putting down, outside of my conscious mind, the whole idea, feeling, aspect of self like something verry wrong, bad and pathological. In past days or week I did something crazy. I really doubt if I shall write it here. I did a "spell" based on idea of judaism, that there is secret name of the God, with which can be done great things...it is said some rabi's like Rabi Jehuda Löw ben Besalel from Prague created "golem" it is like artificial servant, living being, natural robot - with a certain name of the God. More I will try to explain, more I will confuse. If you want to know, read legend about the golem. I have used analogical way, but I took much simplier way and I have took a shem/secret God's name for what is in astrology or roman mythology called Mars. I wanted to stop use  any kind of tranquilizer, improve my health, got stronger and better body as I always shall have… Please, be rational and sceptical, but it somehow changed me. I went and I'm probably still going trought some verry painful, confusing process full of conflicts and fight, but now I feel proud and strong. All what I burried down is now on the top of my mind, which scarried me at first and I was not capable to burry it again, now I feel I must bear it more like a torch and part of myself, which I shall never overlook. It is so good to be myself, and it was so hard and painful to fight with myself for being self. I went trougth some incredible change when it seemed all force needed to be myself was missing or hidden, maybe I put it away, because I was afraid of a hidden wish of wanting breasts and being female. I feel so much confident now, when I'm accepting my role as female. I became capable of making my will into reality and such things I never did. I was passive because I was so afraid to show myself.

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#5 Oct 26, 2019 4:52:PM

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

Well I like it when your All girly.    all the time
You see think of myself as straight.   And I like tgirl's and yes I've been with one only once and would like to find another to date.
But No cock in my mouth or butt no fingers in there ether. No I wont play with it ether.
I might let her lick my butt hole but don't stick it in there.
Any how Ither way You go girl.
I'm aslo willing to relocate for a girly girl wiith a penis

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#6 Nov 08, 2019 10:44:AM

Bethie
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

Dude, this woman is pouring out her soul and you wanna be a pervert?? What a Class A Jackass you are.

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#7 Nov 11, 2019 3:02:AM

bobbishort
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

How are you doing now, Neilkael01?  GD is hard, but it is essential is to know you are loved. As you are, as you feel.  It is not earned or achieved, it just IS.  Just as you are.

I pray for you.

B-

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#8 Mar 30, 2021 11:45:AM

laisabeck
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

If anyone here facing anxiety, stress, and depression then I recommend you people must visit the Mindvalley platform. I took some of the courses of this platform (using Mindvalley coupons) during quarantine time to deal with my depression and believe me this helps me a lot in improving my mindset towards Life.

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#9 Mar 31, 2021 4:13:AM

Hawke
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

I have a good friend , he is a very qualified analysis , we talk about this a lot when we're out fishing ,He told me there are many types of depression
Some are light some are hard core , as he calls it , He also said , many people use this illness to get attention of others , I don't know . I'm a guy , I am not going through any of this ,
    What is true is that a very fine person that I cared for very much did all the right things , lived , dressed ,acted as a woman , saw a therapist 2 times a month for about 2 years , She was saving every penny she made to have her operation , I at last gave her the balance of money she needed , So off to Colorado she went , and came back..... Totally a different person ,,, so depressed and despondent about what she did, with NO
Reversal .. this went on for months , and ,,, sad to say she bought a gun , any one can in 15 minute in Miami , and killed her self ,
    It was a great loss , I took it hard but never let it take me down, She wouldn't want that for me ,
    This is not a game , it's real and can lead to great happiness and tremendous sadness ,   I have a few Transexual girls that I keep close to my heart , they can ask anything and know they can have it with out any reservations , and I ask for nothing in return from them ,
One more point ,,, another girl going through transision i know fell into depression so bad she turned to drugs and booze , which in time sent her to the nut house in Tampa . She has now what they call. A Wet Brain , the real living dead , she will never recover.... So when I read some of these post , I will never judge, or point fingers ,  like they say here in the south, "Racecar " spelled backwards is still " racecar ,,, what does this have to do with this subject
?????? Hell if I know,,,,, but allow me to be suspicious ,,,,,,,

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#10 Apr 09, 2021 4:30:AM

jesciallinda
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Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

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#11 Oct 08, 2021 11:03:AM

couponduos
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

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#12 Oct 11, 2021 2:14:AM

Hawke
Member

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

What a kick in the ass , this one joins today , then posts adds , there should be a carved in granet rule ,.  NO FRIGGEN ADDS .
Then there was the one selling air fais to some place I never heard of in a desert in India , WTF is going on

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#13 Oct 25, 2021 3:00:PM

Re: What I shall do? (I'm really sorry for bothering you)

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